Regrets

Sheila regrets the passionate night she spent with

a handsome ostrich she met on her

trip to Paris.

The Cure for Snoring

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same
thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."


The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy,
a   man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."

At The Bar

Applying For A Golf Membership

An elderly Scottish Jew decided to retire and take up golf, so he applied for membership at a local golf club. 

About a week later he received a letter that his application had been rejected. 

He went to the club to inquire as to why. 

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club? 

Scot: Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are, ma'am, my name is MacTavish. 

Secretary: Do you know that on formal occasions we wear a kilt? 

Scot: Aye, I do know, and I wear a kilt too. 

Secretary: You are also aware, that we wear nothing under the kilt?

Scot: Aye, and neither do I. 

Secretary: Are you also aware, that the members sit naked in the steam room? 

Scot: Aye, I also do the same. 

Secretary: But you are a Jew? 

Scot: Aye, I be that. 

Secretary: So, being Jewish, you are circumcised, is that correct? 

Scot: Aye, I be that, too. 

Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable sitting in the steam room with you, since your privates are different from theirs.

Scot: Ach, away with ya, ma'am. I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen. And I know that you have to be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus. But this is the first time I've heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club.

Winter Driving Warning

The Government has issued a travel warning due to the cold weather.

They suggest that anyone traveling in the current icy conditions should make sure they have the following:

Shovel
Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing including hat and gloves
24 hours worth of food
De-Icer
Rock Salt
Flashlight with spare batteries
Road Flares or Reflective Triangles
Empty gas Can
First Aid Kit
Booster cables

I looked like a friggin idiot on the bus this morning!

Men's Age, as Determined by a Trip to Home Depo

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house --.
Mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever.
You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint.
You have your old work clothes on.
You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job.
Depending on your age you might do the following:


In your 20's:

Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex.
Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane.
And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register...

In your 30's:

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes.
You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair.
Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.
The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:

Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands.
Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot.
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.
The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:

Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.
Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo-doo in your new sports car.
Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.
The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.
Then you remember the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms .'

In your 60's:

Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore..
Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:

Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too.
Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes.
The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch.

In your 80's:

Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again.
Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot.
Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for.
Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name.
You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

In your 90's & beyond:

What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden?
Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this?
Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?

Cleanest Shave I've Had

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years.

But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied:  "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does".