24 Hours To Live

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live. Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. She agrees, so they make love.


About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?'


Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.


Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'


She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.


After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.


Morris, however, worried about his impending death,tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours...Do you think we could...'


At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough...I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'

Thanks and a heads-up to Lorne G.

The Donkey

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for a £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day..


The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'


Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'


The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'


Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'


The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'


Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'


The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'


Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'


A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'


Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of a £898'


The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'


Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won.So I gave him his two pounds back.'


Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland.

Thanks and a heads-up to John F.

Little Larry

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'


Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture? "


Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'

Thanks and a heads-up to Lorne G.

Bubba

Bubba is driving down a back road in Alabama when
he sees a sign in front of a restaurant reading...

HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL

Lobster Tail and Beer

"Lord a'mighty," he says to himself, "Thems my three favorites!"
Thanks and a heads-up to John F.

The Garage Door Is Open

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.


As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'


He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.

Thanks and a heads-up to Lorne G.

Mondays

Let's face it

After Monday and Tuesday...

even the calendar says - W T F.

Thanks and a heads up to John F. and Lorne G.

Found On The Refrigerator One Morning

My Dear Wife,

     You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset----I shall be home before midnight.


When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:


My Dear Husband,

     I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
     As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

Thanks and a heads-up to John F.

Computer Problems

I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.  Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.


As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?


He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'


I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'


Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?


'No,' I replied.


'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'


So I wrote it down...ID10T.


I used to like Eric, the little bastard.

Dylan Moran - Kids

A video laugh.

I'm Blonde And I'm Beautiful

A plane is on its way to Toronto, when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down.


The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.  She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.


The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."


The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won't move back to her seat.


The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.


The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."


The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.


The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde?  I'll handle this...I'm married to a blonde and I speak blonde."


He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry" and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.


The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.


"I told her, "First class isn't going to Toronto".

Thansk and a heads-up to Bill and Penny T.

Your Duck Is Dead

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.


After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."


The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"


"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.


"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."


The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.


The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.


The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."


The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.


"$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150." 

Thanks and a heads-up to Bill & Penny T.

Consultant

Coming Up With A Name

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, sharing an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors."


The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read,


"Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."


This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy The council they changed the sign to


"Catatonics and High Colonics." No go.


Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Thumbs down again.


Then came "Minds and Behinds." Still no good.


Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes." Unacceptable again!


So they tried "Anal-ysis and Anal Cysts." Not a chance.


"Nuts and Butts?" No way.


"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.


"Loons and Moons?" Forget it.


Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with:
"Dr.. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."


Everyone loved it.

Thanks and a heads-up to John F.

Bad Dog

Source

Ethel

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.


Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.


One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.


As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'


As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, butt-naked, and holding his 'you-know-what' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that damn breathalyzer test again.!!!'

Thanks and a heads-up to John F.

Slammed I Am!

The Wedding Night

On their first night to be together, the newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe.

The proud husband says, “My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe.”

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. “Oh,” he exclaims, “you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.”

Puzzled she asks, “My picture?”

He answers, “Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever.”

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.  He comes out wearing his robe.

“We are married now,” the new wife says. “You can open your robe!”

At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, “Oh, my! Let me get a picture.”

He beams and asks, “Why?”

She answers, “So I can get it enlarged!”

Updated Songs of the 60's

Some 60's artists are updating their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include:

Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash

Herman's Hermits --- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

Ringo Starr --- I Get By With A Little Help From Depends

The Bee Gees --- How Can You Mend A Broken Hip

Roberta Flack --- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash --- I Can't See Clearly Now

Paul Simon --- Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver

The Commodores --- Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom

Procol Harem --- A Whiter Shade Of Hair

Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations --- Papa's Got A Kidney Stone

Abba --- Denture Queen

Tony Orlando --- Knock 3 Times On The

Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

Leslie Gore --- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To

And last but NOT least...

Willie Nelson ---On the Commode Again

Thanks and a heads up to Lorne G.

An Elderly Irish Virgin

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin, and very proud of it.


Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone: "BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN".


Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.


For days, he agonized over the dilemma, but finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.


The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:


"RETURNED UNOPENED"

Thanks and a heads-up to Lorne G.

Pecans in the Cemetery

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.


'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.


Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'


He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.


'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.'


The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.


Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'


The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been telling' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord.'


Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.


At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.'


They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

Fresh From The Shower

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.


"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."


Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.


"How long will this take?" I asked.


"They will grow larger over a period of years", my husband replies.


I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"


Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your ass, didn't it?"


He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.


Stupid, stupid man.