Location, Location, Location

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel,do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?' Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?' She pulled it out and stared at it.

Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'

the Wheels Of Life

Thanks and a heads-up to John F.

St. Peter At The Pearly Gates

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.


At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, 'Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.


The first nun says, 'I want to be Sophia Loren.'


And *poof* she's gone.


The second says, 'I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.


The third says, 'I want to be Sara Pipalini.'


St. Peter looks perplexed. 'Who?' he asks.


'Sara Pipalini' replies the nun.


St. Peter shakes his head and says, 'I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell.'


The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.


St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says. 'No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.'

Thanks and a heads-up to John F.

Prevent Sagging

24 Hours To Live

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live. Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. She agrees, so they make love.


About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?'


Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.


Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'


She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.


After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.


Morris, however, worried about his impending death,tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours...Do you think we could...'


At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough...I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'

Thanks and a heads-up to Lorne G.

The Donkey

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for a £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day..


The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'


Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'


The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'


Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'


The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'


Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'


The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'


Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'


A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'


Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of a £898'


The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'


Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won.So I gave him his two pounds back.'


Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland.

Thanks and a heads-up to John F.

Little Larry

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'


Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture? "


Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'

Thanks and a heads-up to Lorne G.

Bubba

Bubba is driving down a back road in Alabama when
he sees a sign in front of a restaurant reading...

HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL

Lobster Tail and Beer

"Lord a'mighty," he says to himself, "Thems my three favorites!"
Thanks and a heads-up to John F.

The Garage Door Is Open

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.


As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'


He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.

Thanks and a heads-up to Lorne G.

Mondays

Let's face it

After Monday and Tuesday...

even the calendar says - W T F.

Thanks and a heads up to John F. and Lorne G.

Found On The Refrigerator One Morning

My Dear Wife,

     You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset----I shall be home before midnight.


When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:


My Dear Husband,

     I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
     As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

Thanks and a heads-up to John F.

Computer Problems

I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.  Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.


As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?


He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'


I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'


Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?


'No,' I replied.


'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'


So I wrote it down...ID10T.


I used to like Eric, the little bastard.

Dylan Moran - Kids

A video laugh.

I'm Blonde And I'm Beautiful

A plane is on its way to Toronto, when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down.


The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.  She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.


The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."


The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won't move back to her seat.


The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.


The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."


The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.


The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde?  I'll handle this...I'm married to a blonde and I speak blonde."


He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry" and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.


The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.


"I told her, "First class isn't going to Toronto".

Thansk and a heads-up to Bill and Penny T.

Your Duck Is Dead

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.


After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."


The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"


"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.


"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."


The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.


The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.


The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."


The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.


"$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150." 

Thanks and a heads-up to Bill & Penny T.

Consultant

Coming Up With A Name

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, sharing an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors."


The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read,


"Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."


This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy The council they changed the sign to


"Catatonics and High Colonics." No go.


Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Thumbs down again.


Then came "Minds and Behinds." Still no good.


Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes." Unacceptable again!


So they tried "Anal-ysis and Anal Cysts." Not a chance.


"Nuts and Butts?" No way.


"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.


"Loons and Moons?" Forget it.


Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with:
"Dr.. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."


Everyone loved it.

Thanks and a heads-up to John F.

Bad Dog

Source

Ethel

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.


Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.


One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.


As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'


As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, butt-naked, and holding his 'you-know-what' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that damn breathalyzer test again.!!!'

Thanks and a heads-up to John F.

Slammed I Am!

The Wedding Night

On their first night to be together, the newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe.

The proud husband says, “My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe.”

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. “Oh,” he exclaims, “you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.”

Puzzled she asks, “My picture?”

He answers, “Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever.”

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.  He comes out wearing his robe.

“We are married now,” the new wife says. “You can open your robe!”

At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, “Oh, my! Let me get a picture.”

He beams and asks, “Why?”

She answers, “So I can get it enlarged!”

Updated Songs of the 60's

Some 60's artists are updating their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include:

Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash

Herman's Hermits --- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

Ringo Starr --- I Get By With A Little Help From Depends

The Bee Gees --- How Can You Mend A Broken Hip

Roberta Flack --- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash --- I Can't See Clearly Now

Paul Simon --- Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver

The Commodores --- Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom

Procol Harem --- A Whiter Shade Of Hair

Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations --- Papa's Got A Kidney Stone

Abba --- Denture Queen

Tony Orlando --- Knock 3 Times On The

Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

Leslie Gore --- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To

And last but NOT least...

Willie Nelson ---On the Commode Again

Thanks and a heads up to Lorne G.

An Elderly Irish Virgin

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin, and very proud of it.


Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone: "BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN".


Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.


For days, he agonized over the dilemma, but finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.


The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:


"RETURNED UNOPENED"

Thanks and a heads-up to Lorne G.

Pecans in the Cemetery

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.


'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.


Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'


He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.


'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.'


The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.


Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'


The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been telling' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord.'


Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.


At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.'


They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

Fresh From The Shower

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.


"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."


Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.


"How long will this take?" I asked.


"They will grow larger over a period of years", my husband replies.


I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"


Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your ass, didn't it?"


He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.


Stupid, stupid man.

How To Control Your Temper

Purina Diet

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.


What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.


I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)


Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her "No, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both."


I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.


Costco won't let me shop there anymore.


Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

Thanks and a heads-up to Ken F., et al

Putting All The Eggs In The Basket

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.


When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.


One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.


"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million." Impressed, the woman asked for his business card.


Three months later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

Thanks and a heads-up from Gene B.

Barbie and Ken

On his way home from work, a father suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.


The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'


The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.

Thanks and a heads-up to Gene B.

Praying for Leroy

The preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."


With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked,"Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week."

Thanks and a heads-up to Robert W.

Priceless

    The doctor said, 'Dave, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Dave was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
    When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
   As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
   He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need...a new suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
   The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see...size 44 Long.'
   Dave laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
   'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
   Dave tried the suit on and it fit perfectly. As Dave admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
   Dave thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
   The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 Neck.'
   Dave was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
   'Been in the business 60 years.'
   Dave tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Dave walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
   Dave thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
   The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.'
   Dave laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
   The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'


New suit - $400


New shirt - $36


New underwear - $6


Second Opinion - PRICELESS

Thanks for the heads-up from John F.

Why I Call Him Such Affectionate Names

   An elderly lady was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening.
   She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
   While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names.'
   The elderly lady hung her head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old asshole what his name is.'

Thanks and a heads-up to Lorne G.

Curtain Rods - Priceless

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things..

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!!!

People stopped coming over to visit. 

Repairmen refused to work in the house.

The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.


And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods.

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

Thanks and a heads-up to Bill and Penny T.

Have You Had This Syndrome?

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.


One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."


The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."


Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"


The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."


The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."


The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."


The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."


The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."


So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"


The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

Thanks for the heads-up from John F.

Words of Advice from Maxine

- "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures"
- "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."
- "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away.. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."
- "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."
- "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita."
-"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up."
- "The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals ."
- "The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket."
- "To err is human; to forgive, highly unlikely."
- "Do you realize that in about forty years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos and pierced navels?" (Now that's scary!)
- "Money can't buy happiness--but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia."
- "After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere...you may be dead."

Thanks and a heads-up to Lorne G.

Northwest Blonde

   A blonde was feeling so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Puget Sound. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young man saw her teetering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Listen, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added with a wink, "I'll make you happy, and you can make me happy."
   The blonde nodded "yes" through her tears. After all, what did she have to lose?
   That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat, along with blankets and food. From then on, every night he brought her sandwiches, water, wine, and fruit, and they would make mad, passionate love until dawn.
   Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. "What in the heck are you doing here?" the Captain demanded angrily!
   "I have an arrangement with one of the crew" she explained. "I get free food and a trip to Europe. Meanwhile (she says coyly) he's taking advantage of me so to speak (wink, wink)."
   "He sure as hell is, lady," the Captain said. "This is the Bremerton Ferry."

Thanks and a heads-up to Bill T.

A Widowed Jewish Lady

   A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a most deserted beach at Ft. Meyers , Florida.
   She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand  near hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?"
   "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
   "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
   "First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
   "I'm sorry to hear that. "My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely, she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.
   "Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ," he answered, and again he resumed reading.
   Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted," Do you like pussy cats?"
   With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.
   When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
   The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?" 

Thanks and a heads-up to John F.