How To Control Your Temper

Purina Diet

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.


What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.


I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)


Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her "No, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both."


I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.


Costco won't let me shop there anymore.


Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

Thanks and a heads-up to Ken F., et al

Putting All The Eggs In The Basket

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.


When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.


One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.


"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million." Impressed, the woman asked for his business card.


Three months later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

Thanks and a heads-up from Gene B.

Barbie and Ken

On his way home from work, a father suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.


The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'


The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.

Thanks and a heads-up to Gene B.

Praying for Leroy

The preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."


With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked,"Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week."

Thanks and a heads-up to Robert W.

Priceless

    The doctor said, 'Dave, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Dave was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
    When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
   As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
   He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need...a new suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
   The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see...size 44 Long.'
   Dave laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
   'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
   Dave tried the suit on and it fit perfectly. As Dave admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
   Dave thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
   The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 Neck.'
   Dave was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
   'Been in the business 60 years.'
   Dave tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Dave walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
   Dave thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
   The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.'
   Dave laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
   The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'


New suit - $400


New shirt - $36


New underwear - $6


Second Opinion - PRICELESS

Thanks for the heads-up from John F.

Why I Call Him Such Affectionate Names

   An elderly lady was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening.
   She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
   While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names.'
   The elderly lady hung her head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old asshole what his name is.'

Thanks and a heads-up to Lorne G.

Curtain Rods - Priceless

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things..

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!!!

People stopped coming over to visit. 

Repairmen refused to work in the house.

The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.


And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods.

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

Thanks and a heads-up to Bill and Penny T.

Have You Had This Syndrome?

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.


One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."


The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."


Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"


The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."


The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."


The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."


The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."


The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."


So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"


The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

Thanks for the heads-up from John F.

Words of Advice from Maxine

- "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures"
- "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."
- "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away.. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."
- "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."
- "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita."
-"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up."
- "The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals ."
- "The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket."
- "To err is human; to forgive, highly unlikely."
- "Do you realize that in about forty years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos and pierced navels?" (Now that's scary!)
- "Money can't buy happiness--but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia."
- "After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere...you may be dead."

Thanks and a heads-up to Lorne G.

Northwest Blonde

   A blonde was feeling so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Puget Sound. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young man saw her teetering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Listen, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added with a wink, "I'll make you happy, and you can make me happy."
   The blonde nodded "yes" through her tears. After all, what did she have to lose?
   That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat, along with blankets and food. From then on, every night he brought her sandwiches, water, wine, and fruit, and they would make mad, passionate love until dawn.
   Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. "What in the heck are you doing here?" the Captain demanded angrily!
   "I have an arrangement with one of the crew" she explained. "I get free food and a trip to Europe. Meanwhile (she says coyly) he's taking advantage of me so to speak (wink, wink)."
   "He sure as hell is, lady," the Captain said. "This is the Bremerton Ferry."

Thanks and a heads-up to Bill T.

A Widowed Jewish Lady

   A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a most deserted beach at Ft. Meyers , Florida.
   She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand  near hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?"
   "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
   "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
   "First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
   "I'm sorry to hear that. "My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely, she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.
   "Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ," he answered, and again he resumed reading.
   Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted," Do you like pussy cats?"
   With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.
   When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
   The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?" 

Thanks and a heads-up to John F.